Before I Sleep

images-45If it’s
The truth
That’s all I know
I look for you
And just say
I know
The lie
That was
Is now
The last
I’ll go
For you
Before I sleep
I hear you say
You say
I stay
Near the edge
And waste my time
Just waste my time

~ Mazzy Star

Community; Thank You for Making Me Feel Like I Belong

Ho! / Hey! / Ho! / Hey!

Ho! / I’ve been trying to do it right / Hey! I’ve been living a lonely life / Ho! / I’ve been sleeping here instead / Hey! / I’ve been sleeping in my bed / Ho! / Sleeping in my bed / Hey! / Ho!

Ho! / So show me family / Hey! / All the blood that I would bleed / Ho! / I don’t know where I belong / Hey! / I don’t know where I went wrong / Ho! / But I can write a song Hey! / 1, 2, 3 / I belong with you, you belong with me / You’re my sweetheart / I belong with you / You belong with me / You’re my sweet / Ho!

Hey! / Ho! / Hey! Ho! / I don’t think you’re right for him / Hey! / Look at what it might have been if you / Ho! / Took a bus to China Town / Hey! / I’d be standing on Canal / Ho! / And Bowery / Hey! / Ho! / And she’d be standing next to me / Hey! / 1, 2, 3

I belong with you / You belong with me / You’re my sweetheart I belong with you / You belong with me / You’re my sweetheart Love ‒ we need it now / Let’s hope for some / So, we’re bleeding out  I belong with you / You belong with me / You’re my sweetheart / I belong with you / You belong with me /  You’re my sweet / Ho!

Hey! / Ho! / Hey!

The LumineersThe Lumineers

Belonging. What exactly does that mean? Some people have moments in their lives through an experience where they feel like they do belong, and some have found communities. Some have found it through love. Some still searching. I watched the Golden Globes the other night as did millions of other people. What interested me, what surprised me the most, was how the show had left me feeling. I felt validated by the end of the show. I realized, I was reminded, as people were giving their acceptance speeches once again that I am not alone. I learned that no matter what the amount of success is that one has, however you yourself defines’ success, that everyone struggles. That we all want to belong, to be accepted as much as anyone else. A consistent theme throughout the evening was, ‘Thank you for making me feel like I belong.’

Friends Holding HandsI have been having long conversations with close friends about feeling hopeless, feeling that their dreams won’t ever come true. That being seen for who they really are and what they have to offer to the arts will dissipate to nothing. I belong in that category too. So, what is it that we have to do to reach those goals. To make our hopes and dreams a reality. I come back to community.

Community for me isn’t the definition found while searching google; community for me is what I, what you make it. Who are the people that you trust? The ones you love most. Who is it in your life that would be there for you, who accepts you unconditionally for who you are? Who makes you feel light? Who makes you feel whole? Vulnerability is beautiful when in the right company. When you do figure it out – that is who your community is. Hold those people close. Be cautious. Protect your heart. They help us stay strong. They help us feel like we can conquer whatever it is that we need to conquer. When our hearts are broken, they are the ones who pick up the broken pieces. They take care of us. They know all our darkest secrets and love us more for it. True friendship, true companionship is a gift. Find it. Embrace it.

Holding HandsJessica Hinkson

 

My Leonard Cohen Experience

Leonard CohenI loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but now it’s come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

– Leonard Cohen

I went to see Leonard Cohen at the Air Canada Centre last night here in Toronto. I had been told that it would be a life changing experience. I had no idea what that meant until the show began last night. From the moment I heard his voice, the music strumming; I was mesmerized. I honestly felt like I was at church having a religious experience. I laughed, I was brought to tears, I felt connected to the human race. Connected in that we are all one. His voice was soothing to the ear. His generosity as a performer undeniable. He said, “Friends I don’t know if we will see each other again, so we’re going to give you everything we’ve got.” I can confirm that he kept his promise, and am I ever thankful for the experience. Profoundly affected. I am.

Written By

Jessica Hinkson

Forgiveness

DreamcatcherWe are swimming with the snakes at the bottom of the well
So silent and peaceful in the darkness where we fell
But we are not snakes and what’s more we never will be
And if we stay swimming here forever we will never be free
I heard them ringing the bells in heaven and hell
They got a secret they’re getting ready to tell

It’s falling from the skies
It’s calling from the graves
Open your eyes boy, I think we are saved
Open your eyes boy, I think we are saved
Let’s take a walk on the bridge right over this mess
Don’t need to tell me a thing baby, we already confessed
And I raised my voice to the air
And we were blessed

It’s hard to give
It’s hard to get
But everybody needs a little forgiveness
We are calling for help tonight on a thin phone line
As usual we’re having ourselves one hell of a time
And the planes keep flying over our heads
No matter how loud we shout

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey
And we keep wavin and wavin our arms in the air but we’re all tired out
I heard somebody say today’s the day
Big old hurricane she’s blowing our way
Knockin over the buildings
Killing all the lights

Open your eyes boy, we made it through the night
Open your eyes boy, we made it though the night
Let’s take a walk on the bridge right over this mess
Don’t need to tell me a thing baby, we already confessed
And I raise my voice to the air
And we were blessed

It’s hard to give
It’s hard to get
It’s hard to give
But still I think it’s the best bet
Hard to give
Never gonna forget
But everybody needs a little forgiveness
Everybody needs a little forgiveness

Patty Griffin Patty Griffin

It’s the beginning of December. We are on the verge of completing a year. It is a time of stress, intense emotions, anxiety, fear, and doubt. It is a time of reflection. It is a time to shed old skins to prepare ourselves for the new. Letting go is complicated. Forgiveness is hard.  When looking at the process of Forgiveness, each of us could list off reasons as to why someone may not deserve to be forgiven. It’s not that you or I are wrong, it’s not that you or I are right. You have been hurt, as have they. The feelings that you feel are your right to experience. What makes Forgiveness so challenging is the lack of acknowledgement from both parties. It’s true giving space to a situation is a good thing to do. However, when someone constantly refuses to take responsibility for the part that they played in the scenario it is hard to leave emotion and the “making it personal” out of it. The good news is that we all have the ability to forgive ourselves as well as the individual who has hurt us. The truth is that there are many unresolved relationships whether it is a family member, a lover, or a friend. It, for the most part is due to lack of communication. With all of the resources that are available in today’s world, access to tools that help us better navigate who we are and what we present to the world; how does one adapt? There is unfortunately chaos all of the time due to poor communication skills.

DreamcatchersIf you are looking at how your year has gone, asking yourself if you did all of the things that you wanted to do? If you are asking why you can not seem to let go of a certain relationship and are losing sleep over it?  If you are wondering why you feel down all of the time? If you are questioning what you have done, where you will be going based on the choices you have made thus far – NOW is the time to figure out your process of Forgiveness and letting go. Each of us is different. What works for me isn’t necessarily going to work for you. Investigate. Where and how do you feel safe? This includes the people that you will/are working with, be it a therapist, yoga class, energy/body work, reading material, workshops, ect. Sometimes writing letters to people and tearing them up is extremely therapeutic. How do you unhook yourself? How do you get complete about your year? Investigate. Explore. Find out and be specific. I’m committed to doing something every day for my well-being. I’m on the road to getting complete with my year. Lets do it together.

The PathWritten By

Jessica Hinkson

I Don’t Know Where I Stand

Funny day, looking for laughter and finding it there
Sunny day, braiding wild flowers and leaves in my hair
Picked up a pencil and wrote “I love you” in my finest hand
Wanted to send it, but I don’t know where I stand

Telephone, even the sound of your voice is still new
All alone in California and talking to you
And feeling too foolish and strange to say the words that I had planned
I guess it’s too early, ’cause I don’t know where I stand

Crickets call, courting their ladies in star-dappled green
Thickets tall, until the morning comes up like a dream
All muted and misty, so drowsy now I’ll take what sleep I can
I know that I miss you, but I don’t know where I stand
I know that I miss you, but I don’t know where I stand

~ Joni Mitchell, Clouds

Fear Is Like A Wilderland

Daylight falls upon the path, the forest falls behind
Today I am not prey to dark uncertainty
The shadow trembles in its wrath, I’ve robbed its blackness blind
And tasted sunlight as my fear came clear to me

I think I understand
Fear is like a wilderland
Stepping stones or sinking sand

Now the way leads to the hills, above the steeple’s chime
Below me sleepy rooftops round the harbor
It’s there I’ll take my thirsty fill of friendship over wine
Forgetting fear but never disregarding her

Oh, I think I understand
Fear is like a wilderland
Stepping stones and sinking sand

Sometimes voices in the night will call me back again
Back along the pathway of a troubled mind
When forests rise to block the light that keeps a traveler sane
I’ll challenge them with flashes from a brighter time

Oh, I think I understand
Fear is like a wilderland
Stepping stones or sinking sand

~ Joni Mitchell

Trust Joni to get right to the heart of your soul. Her beautiful poetic songs have been filling the rooms in my house once again. I seem to go through phases when I listen to Joni a lot. Each lyric I choke back with a breath wondering where I am going next, what else does my path hold for me? To say that these last few months has been lovely would be a untruth. There have been moments of great uncertainty, and of waking up with fear deep in my belly. Life doesn’t work out the way we plan, I have learned this repeatedly. Sometimes I laugh at the mystery of the world and in other times I find it hard to find my breath. I find it hard to find the ground, to feel my feet in the earth. People get taken away from us to early; unexpectedly. There are friends of whom we hold so near only to be faced with the possibility of them not being here nor there. There is heartbreak among the tragedy. There is hope that is lost. Through the dark of the nights, of whom is it that we can call upon, when we can’t find sleep or peace in our dreams. Once again, we are reminded to go to ourselves. To go deeper inside, to keep searching, to regain hope. For as far as we each may fall at times, the rise is that much greater. So, as Joni so wonderfully says, ” I think I understand. Fear is like a wilderland. Stepping Stones or sinking sand.” Need I say more?

Be safe. Be beautiful. Be bold. Breathe.

xxoo Jess

Cold Tea Blues

If I pour your cup, that is friendship
If I add your milk, that is manners
If I stop there, claiming ignorance of taste,
That is tea

But if I measure the sugar
To satisfy your expectant tongue
Then that is love,

But if I measure the sugar
To satisfy your expectant tongue
Then that is love,
Sitting untouched and growing cold

Cowboy Junkies

I Ride, and I Ride.

Iggy Pop
“The Passenger”
_Lust for Life_

I am a passenger
And I ride and I ride
I ride through the city’s backside
I see the stars come out of the sky
Yeah, they’re bright in a hollow sky
You know it looks so good tonight

I am a passenger
I stay under glass

I look through my window so bright
I see the stars come out tonight
I see the bright and hollow sky
Over the city’s a rip in the sky
And everything looks good tonight

Singin’ la la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la la-la

Get into the car
We’ll be the passenger
We’ll ride through the city tonight
See the city’s ripped insides
We’ll see the bright and hollow sky
We’ll see the stars that shine so bright
The sky was made for us tonight

Oh the passenger
How how he rides
Oh the passenger
He rides and he rides
He looks through his window
What does he see?

He sees the sided hollow sky
He see the stars come out tonight
He sees the city’s ripped backsides
He sees the winding ocean drive
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
’cause it just belongs to you and me
So let’s take a ride and see what’s mine

Singing…
Oh, the passenger
He rides and he rides
He sees things from under glass
He looks through his window’s eye
He sees the things he knows are his
He sees the bright and hollow sky
He sees the city asleep at night
He sees the stars are out tonight
And all of it is yours and mine
And all of it is yours and mine
Oh, let’s ride and ride and ride and ride…
Singing…

Tomorrow is the second full moon of the month. August was all about power. Being empowered as opposed to dis-empowered. It was a month for everyone to reflect on the relationships we have in our lives on all levels and really investigate what works versus what doesn’t work. The investigation is indeed life long and sometimes above and beyond any challenge that we foresaw in our young past. In our youth we are all untouchable at one point. Our futures predicted. All dreams a reality because we stated it so, out, in to the big wide universe. As we begin to leave our teen years, moving in to what we think is young adult; our twenties, we realize that life is a wide jagged path, and, no, there isn’t a fairy rock god to grant us our dreams. There is work to be done. Have you asked yourself lately what that work is, that you still need to do?

I have been asking myself all month. There has been an ongoing conversation amongst a few friends, and, I about life. Where are we going? What is next? I feel like am the passenger…I ride, and I ride. I feel like I have been riding by myself and that my higher self won’t get in to the car with me. I realize that it is because I have been being inauthentic to myself. I still try to do things that aren’t a true representation of who I am, which leaves me feeling unclean. Over these last few weeks I have really had to take a look at myself and figure out what it was/is that I was still refusing to look at. I figured it out, and I’m not doing it anymore. What is it for you?

Best To You,

Jess

Common Burn

Simple things like you over cold round your beauty
That stay and burning me
Love me hang around even if it’s just some way to have

Some common burn
A common burn

So I spent the night in someone’s house that you…
Oh simple me that… but we haven’t

A common burn
A common burn

Aware of…
So many tunes before you could so round and…
Everything that you score just don’t come home to say

You… sleep
When you know you’re burning
Someone

That common burning
That common burning

Mazzy Star

We meet all sorts of people every day in our lives. Being that we are all human beings we crave connection. Sometimes you happen to meet one person in particular who for a moment in time or perhaps a few more, universe willing; you have a common burn. You feel good being around them, you feel uplifted, your bodies fit. When you part ways, the flame is still ignited, the burning, traveling, moving through your body. You have been affected. There has been a transference of energy. It goes deeper than the physical self. It has been an experience. One that will truly shift your life, that you will always remember.

Common – Belonging equally to or shared equally by two or more; joint.

Burn – To consume.

Jessica Hinkson

Share Your Heart, And I’ll Share Mine

Is love so fragile / And the heart so hollow / Shatter with words / Impossible to follow / You’re saying I’m fragile / I try not to be / I search only…for something I can’t see / I have my own life…and I am stronger than you know / But I carry this feeling / When you walked into my house / That you won’t be walking out the door / Still I carry this feeling / When you walked into my house / That you won’t be walking out the door / Lovers forever / face to face / My city or mountains / Stay with me stay / I need you to love me / I need you today / Give to me your leather… / Take from me… my lace /

You in the moonlight / With your sleepy eyes / Could you ever love a man like me / And you were right / When I walked into your house / I knew I’d never want to leave / Sometimes I’m a strong man / Sometimes cold and scared / And sometimes I cry / But that time I saw you / I knew with you to light my nights / Somehow I’d get by / First time I saw you / I knew with you to light my nights / Somehow I would get by /

Lovers forever… / Face to face / My city or mountains / Stay with me stay / I need you to love me / I need you today / Give to me your leather… / Take from me… my lace / Lovers forever… / Face to face / My city or mountains / Stay with me stay / I need you to love me / I need you to stay / Give to me your leather… / Take from me… my lace / Take from me… my lace / Take from me… my lace /

~ Leather And Lace by Stevie Nicks

Being vulnerable is scary. Knowing that you are worthy of being loved, for all that you are, is complicated. We all have stories as to why we don’t deserve what our hearts’ desire. We get so busy taking care of other people that we forget to take care of the most important one of all; ourselves. You are stronger than you think. The truth is, we have all survived or overcome one thing or another in our lives. Those experiences have participated in molding who we are today. So many of us, get attached to this idea that we are alone and that no one would understand. Thinking, that, if they only knew, they would never want anything to do with “me.” That is not true. Your pain isn’t so different from mine, your mother’s, your neighbors, or your lover. The fears that you have, are the fears that everyone has in love, and in life. We all want to be loved for who we are. To be accepted unconditionally. You are not alone. Who you are, is unique. Who you are, is wonderful.

Written By

Jessica Hinkson