At the age of seventeen, after a brief stint of living in LA I decided that I needed to start working on myself. I had gone to the City of Angels to pursue my dance career and audition to be on full scholarship at one of two studios.
I did audition, but I only auditioned at one studio. During my audition I seized, panicked, and sabotaged the entire thing. The director of the studio took me in to his office demanding to know what happened, he had in fact been hoping to give me one of the scholarships. I was devastated.
As for the second studio, I decided not to show up at the audition altogether. I was a failure, so why bother.
When I did eventually make my way over to the studio where I missed the audition, one of my favorite teachers pulled me aside asking why I hadn’t shown up. I began my crying victim act and lied about why I hadn’t been there. I also told him about how horrific my audition had gone at the other studio. He looked right in to my eyes and said, ’Well Jess, it isn’t because of lack of beauty or talent.’
Over the years I have had glimpses of understanding what he was talking about, but my true ‘aha’ moment wasn’t until a few years a go.
When I left LA, I was angry, defeated, and borderline anorexic. I decided that everyone else had more talent, was more beautiful, and would definitely be more successful than me so I might as well give up and quit. When in reality those were all non-truths. The thoughts, opinions, and ideas I had about myself became true because I made them true.
When we are born there is this notion that we are perfect whole beings. I believe that we are perfect and whole always.
However, the journey of life is far from perfect. I realize now that I’m the only person who’s going to make me feel whole. No matter how much my parents and friends love me, or teachers tell me that I am amazing. The job is up to me, to you, to each of us to individually find.
Looking back now, I realize how much time I spent in the negative web of life and realize that I did in fact have a choice to decide that I was worthy; that I did have something to offer then as I do now.
Having a routine does work, getting up early and going to bed early works. Getting outside, nourishing my body with food I want, yoga, dance offs and musical sing-along’s work. I love dancing badly, I love music, and I love cracking bad jokes! Some people refer to it as special I refer to it as authentic.
I know that when I am in a happy place, the flow of my life jives, and guess what? This is what stillness is! Life flowing in one continuous direction! Don’t get me wrong, I still have my Debbie Downer in the gutter days but it’s all part of my life journey
So, what I know now that I didn’t know before? I am talented, I am beautiful, I have a good body but most importantly I am a good person.