A Misfit Finding Peace of Mind

Although I was introduced to yoga back in 1999 while attending theatre school in New York, I, like with so many things, fell off the wagon and stepped away from my practice for five years. In 2006 I started going back to yoga, fell in love with it, and now I am a lifer.

From the age of 7 yrs old I trained as a classical ballet dancer and spent my formative years in the studio taking classes, rehearsing, performing, touring, and spending summers away training.When I came back to yoga, I had quit dancing for close to ten years, and found that my body ached so badly to move in the same way that I had all those years through dancing. I was mentally and emotionally thankful.

I am someone who has always felt like I didn’t fit in, that I was weird, and that something was wrong with me. A misfit. I have spent so much time since my youth searching for ways to fit in and to be accepted, always trying to find a place where I belonged in the world. I never thought I was enough or that what I had to offer was of value.

I, like everyone else, has a story and that story has made me who I am today. When I found my home at a yoga studio I began to learn that who I am is someone who is important and who’s ideas and thoughts are of value. I have now been teaching at that yoga studio for four years.Throughout this time I have struggled to find balance. How can I be a powerful woman who not only questions herself, but her spirituality, as she heads out from the safety of a yogic womb to life, to work, and to love? Is my talent enough? Am I going to book this audition? When I am having a bad day or week, feeling uninspired, how do I hold myself accountable when others depend on me for guidance?Although I have had glimpses of stillness through my yoga and meditation practice, from walking my dog, to performing on stage, the question always arises-‘How do I get back there?’ I am a yoga teacher, yes, but I am also a human being who is an actress, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things sometimes, and I can be just as ugly as I am beautiful.

What I am tryng to get at, is that through all of the years of therapy I have been through, the sweat lodges in the forests of Amazon Jungles, and always looking to the wrong people to confirm something that only one person can confirm, which is me…It doesn’t matter how many fabulous pieces of clothing I buy, or how much acupuncture I do. The only thing that has brought me peace of mind, through to my soul, is yoga.  But how I carry that through… I have no idea.  I am in an industry that contradicts what saves me. On a daily basis I am judged more from how I look, and how I come across when I enter the room, as opposed to the talent I possess.  It is my passion, as crazy as it may sound, just like yoga is, and somehow through this I am going to find the balance, and what that looks like…I have no idea.  But I am tired of having conversations with so many of my friends, mentors, colleagues who are full of hopelessness and despair about an industry that should purely be about the form of art.  It’s not about the strut in the high heels, it’s about the contentment of the foot in the heels, and the contentment in the heart and the mind of the woman entering that audition room.

4 thoughts on “A Misfit Finding Peace of Mind

  1. to be open and honest is such a wonderful quality
    I believe that if you picture yourself as it really has already happened suddenly it is there
    as Jesus said the kingdom of heaven is within

  2. I can totally see what you mean. I’ve been doing gymnastics for 13 years and had no idea how it actually wore me down mentally (there’s a right/perfect way of doing things, all just judged by how it looks) until I dived into yoga. For the first time what really matters is what happens inside, not outside. It feels great.

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